


Signal Strength: Or, The Benefits of Elvish vs Dwarvish Phones

by Lindzzz



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Modern Fantasy, Texting, as in like its middle earth but with modern technology, featuring thorin's awful text spamming, text logs, thorin the racist uncle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 15:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3734815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindzzz/pseuds/Lindzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU where everything is the same; there are still elves, dwarves, hobbits, and a quest to reclaim a mountain from a dragon.</p>
<p>But now there are also cell phones, computers, motorcycles, and discussions of species-based racism.</p>
<p>It turns out not much changes. Here is an old tale retold through the text logs taken from the phone of a Mister Bilbo Baggins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is such a silly dumb light thing that I had way too much fun with. Basic information is that this is still Middle Earth with all the fantasy elements of Middle Earth, but with modern technology added to it. Not gonna lie, half of this was just for the image of Thorin with his ponytail, leather jacket, and motorcycle, furiously texting on what is their equivalent of a nokia brick phone and using txtspeak because he still has the dumb numberpad.

**Incoming Text: Unknown**  
‘is this the halfling’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Unknown**  
‘Yeah! Just want to say again that I’m really glad you guys still let me come on this. Thank you! :)’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘dont text this number unless its an emergency’

* * *

**Outgoing Text: Gandalf**  
‘You tricked me into joining a gang.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Gandalf**  
‘You’re being prejudiced. A group of fellows who share an interest in motorbikes does not make a gang.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Gandalf**  
‘THE KNUCKLEDUSTERS SAY OTHERWISE.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Gandalf**  
‘Three of them have matching leather jackets. What is “Sons of Durin” that is a gang name Gandalf this is a gang. This is a gang and I am going to either die or be arrested for gang related activity because THIS IS A GANG.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Gandalf**  
‘You’re being absurd Bilbo. “Sons of Durin” is a reference to their family history.”  
  
 **Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER**  
‘Oh so it’s “all in the family” DO YOU HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING GANDALF’  
  
 **Incoming Text: MEDDLING CODGER**  
‘This isn’t a gang. Besides, you already signed the contract.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER**  
‘I’m taking a screenshot of this conversation, so if I die, they know it’s your fault so I won’t be remembered as being the hobbit that died in a dwarf biker gang.’  
  


* * *

**Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
‘Mister Baggins, do you want me to paint over that weird scratch on your door? It’d be no trouble!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Sorry, didn’t know you were out for the day, hope I didn’t disturb you!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Mister Baggins im so sorry to interrupt again but i just heard a really worrying rumor sir! Are you alright?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Mister Baggins?????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Mister Baggins they’re saying you were taken by a dwarf gang!? Is the scratch a gang sign?! It’s not true is it?? Sir are you alright??’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Mister Baggins please text me back! I’m about to call the rangers!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Hamfast G**  
'Sorry! The signal out here is dreadful! I’m alright! :)’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
'Out where???’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Hamfast G**  
'Oh uh’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Hamfast G**  
'Camping’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Hamfast G**  
“Im on a camping trip with uh….dwarves. For the foreseeable future. Could you watch Bag End while i’m gone? Ill set up the auto deposit to double your payment for the trouble! :)’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Hamfast G**  
’'is this code??! Are they threatening you?! Were you actually taken by a gang?!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: WorryWort G**  
'Its not a gang. I think. Gandalf says they’re not a gang’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: WorryWort G**  
'Its just a nice camping trip to uh, go get a dragon. Oh dear…’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Worrywort G**  
'Mister Baggins just say the word ’'pipe” and ill call the rangers in a flash sir the dwarves won’t suspect nothing’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: WorryWort G**  
'Goodness sake I wasn’t kidnapped!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: WorryWort G**  
'I’m capable of making my own bad decisions.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: WorryWort G**  
'Gotta go, I’m getting shoved back into Dori’s sidecar so I guess our stop is done. Thanks for watching things!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: WorryWort G**  
'Mister Baggins???’

* * *

**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘where r u’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘how difficult is it to give food to the boys’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘WHERE THE FUCK R THE BIKES’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘WHERE THE FUCK R U???’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘WHERE THE FUCK R KILI AND FILI???’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘WE MAY HAVE A SLIGHT EMERGENCY PLS BRING WEAPONS’  
  


* * *

  
**Incoming Text: Fili**  
‘BILBO!!!!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Kili**  
‘HEY BILBO!!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Kili**  
‘You know that making it all capital letters doesn’t make it actually louder? Why are you both texting me at the same time? I don’t trust it.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Fili**  
‘That hurts man.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Fili**  
‘I’d texted Kili that?? Are you two reading each other’s texts???’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Kili**  
‘Yes.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Of course you are.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘Stop being a grump and come here!!!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘Why?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘SELFIE WITH THE TROLL STATUES BILBRO! :D’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Don’t call me that. Why would I take selfies with the things that almost ripped my arms off?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘Because they DIDN’T rip your arms off.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘And now they’re rocks. hah!’

  
**Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘Yes and now your uncle is glaring at me even MORE than before.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘nah that’s just his face.’

**Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Why don’t you get him to take your picture?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘bilbro. have u SEEN his phone????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘It’s honestly older than we are’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘Besides, the trolls were totally OUR thing. We found them!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘I’m not sure what I think about nearly getting me eaten becoming ‘our thing.’ We have a thing?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘BILBRO STOP BEING A GRUMP AND COME TAKE A SELFIE WITH US’  
  


* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: Prim**  
-picture sent-  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘What kind of camping is THIS!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Are those TROLLS??’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘And who are these dwarves? No one told me they were cute.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘You’re engaged. To my cousin. I think as the family head I need to remind you of this.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘And yes those were trolls. The important thing is they didn’t rip my arms off.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘So it looks like the rumors that you went bonkers and ran off with dwarves are true then.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Hope this doesn’t ruin my label as the “Cool Future In-Law.”’

**Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘You kidding??? This makes you the only cool Baggins there is!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘What about Drogo? The Baggins you’re engaged to?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘He’s ok.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘I told him I’m just marrying him so that I can be semi-adopted by you.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘I shouldn’t be anyone’s role model Prim. Don’t run off with dwarves.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Fili and Kili say hi.’

**Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Heeeyyyyyyyy ;) omy do they come as a set together???’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Stop that. Brandybucks I swear. You all are shameless.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Besides they’re nothing compared to their uncle. Who hates me.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘PICS’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘No, he’s an asshole. A good looking asshole, but still an asshole. Now behave, we’re getting back on the road after not getting eaten by trolls. Tell Drogo I said hello and that I’m sorry for the crap he’s probably getting from the rest of the family.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Speaking of that, Lobelia keeps bitching about how the only thing they talk about at brunch is you ruining the family. So you may hear from her.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Wonderful.’

* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Are we lost?’

**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘no’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘we r working on where to go from here’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘My phone has GPS’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘what’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘It’s this amazing thing newer phones have that tells you where you are. Like maps but better.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘i know what gps is’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘is it on’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Yes?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘this whole time’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘uv had ur gps on’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘on ur ELF MADE PHONE’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘…..Yes?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Did I miss something?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘TURN IT OFF’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘What!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘THIS WHOLE TIME UV HAD THAT ON’

**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘THEY COULD HAVE BEEN TRACKING US’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘Are you serious!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘elves use gps to track the stupid phones they make’  
  
 **Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘and since u happen to carry an elf phone they could know where we r’  
  
 **Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘so turn off ur fucking gps’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘Wow you are serious.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘TURN. IT.OFF.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘OK! It’s off!! There we go!!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘Why the hell would elves care where we are??’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘I’m pretty sure they have better things to do than track us.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE**  
‘Oh you’re ignoring me again nevermind.’  
  


* * *

  
**Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Cousin, why is my fiance asking about visiting the dwarves in Bree?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘I feel like this is your fault.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘You know as well as I do that I have no control over that girl.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘True. Speaking of harpies, Lobelia is asking if you’re dead yet. You dead?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Not yet. She can get her mitts off my house.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Prim wants to know where the other hot dwarves are. Bilbo. Why?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘I took them all.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Good. I can’t be having my wife bringing home dwarves. We don’t have the responsibility for a pet like that.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘The shedding alone is terrible, you have no idea.’  
  


* * *

  
**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘y do u have a sword’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Gandalf gave it to me. Why do any of us have swords? What century is this?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘do u even know how 2 use a sword’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Do you even know how to use punctuation?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘I am so sorry, that was rude.’  
 **  
Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘No I have no idea how to use a sword why would I know how to use a sword?? Who knows how to use a sword!?’

**Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Bloody hell you probably know how to use a sword.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Yes.’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘I also know how to use punctuation.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
'I really am sorry about that…’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘dont stab urself with that thing’  
  


* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘SO FUN FACT OF TODAY’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘HIGH SPEED CHASES? NOT THAT FUN WHEN YOU’RE STUCK IN THE SIDE CAR.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘ALSO THERE ARE ORCS. WE ARE OFFICIALLY HUNTED BY ORCS.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Holy shit are you ok???’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Your life is amazing btw but holy shit don’t die.’

**Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Drogo says we need you at the wedding so he doesn’t kill Lobelia! Don’t die!’  
  


* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
-picture sent-  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘IS THAT RIVENDELL?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Last I heard you were being chased on the highway by orcs. How the hell did that end up with you in Rivendell???’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘To be honest I’m not really sure.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘It has something to do with Gandalf’s weird hippy friend.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘I want to live here forever though.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘I have a sword now, by the way. Thought that’d be worth mentioning. It’s really lovely.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
-picture sent-  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘What the hell is your life Bilbo?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘This is the most ridiculous midlife crisis I have ever seen.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Well I couldn’t do something boring like get a fancy car I guess.’  
  


* * *

  
**Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘heeyyy bilbro!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Kili that wasn’t funny the first ten times.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘sure sure so u know elvish right?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Where is this going?’

**Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘can u tell me how to flirt with the elf chicks?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Wow.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘DO NOT TELL UNCLE THORIN’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Oh goodness no.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘and uv been getting on great with that elf uv been hanging out with!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘What are you talking about?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘the elf leader or whatever. i think u could do better but hey’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘ELROND. THAT IS ELROND.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘she sounds lovely bilbro :)’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Elrond isn’t a “she” Kili. And we get along because we both like learning. Also he’s already been married.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘oh no! im sorry, i keep messing that up! :( the elves get so weird about it if u mess it up and they all look the same!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘is that racist?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Not as racist as your uncle, but I wouldn’t go saying that to the elves.’  
  


* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘I think I just had a bonding moment with Thorin.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Is this the hot asshole?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Yes. And shut up. We had a talk about fireflies and his home growing up.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim  
** “oooooOOOOOOooooo’

**Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Don’t start.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘He seems a little more calm here when he’s not grumbling about the elves. Maybe he’s just an asshole when there’s a lot of life-or-death scenarios going on.’

* * *

  
**Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘stop fraternizing with the elves’

**Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘Excuse me?!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘u talk to them 2 much. ur on dwarf business’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Elrond helped us with that map! And I talk to who I want!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘elronds not as bad as the others’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘probably bc he’s only half elf’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘we’re still not here to make friends’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘esp not with elves’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘ur not telling the others what we’re doing r u?’

**Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘this quest is dwarf business’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘even though ur here’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘i wont have u babbling what we’re doing and jeopardizing this quest’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘just bc u want to trade song lyrics with the pointy ears’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘i know u have pointy ears but u know what i meant’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘the elves arent friends’  
 **  
Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘r u getting my texts?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE  
** ‘Oh yeah I make sure every elf I run into gets a complete backstory about our quest, who you are, who your parents are, every place I lived, and pictures of us so they can identify us later.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘WHAT’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘I’m being sarcastic bloody hell. The only thing I’ve been talking about the elves with is songs and poetry. And they’re all very friendly!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE**  
‘if u like them so much u should just stay here’  
  


* * *

  
**Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Nevermind he’s still an asshole.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘how r u eating this stuff’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘how r u eating FIVE PLATES of this stuff’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘What? The tofu? It’s good!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Why are you texting me at the table? Or at all for that matter?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘im texting at the table bc that is where im sitting’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘y wouldnt i be texting u’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘if its truly so horrifically offensive for u ill stop’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘I really don’t understand how you can type out ‘horrifically offensive’ but writing out ‘you’ is just too much to bother with.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘And texting at the table is RUDE. You’re supposed to be royalty.’

 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘i am royalty there isnt a ‘supposed’’  
  
 **Incoming Text: HIS ROYAL ASSHOLE**  
‘and ur texting at the table’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: HIS ROYAL ASSHOLE**  
‘Because you started it!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: HIS ROYAL ASSHOLE**  
‘still’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: HIS ROYAL ASSHOLE**  
‘You’re Lord Elrond’s guest and blatantly texting while sitting next to him! It’s very rude and he’s been shooting you looks for the past five minutes.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: HIS ROYAL ASSHOLE**  
‘does it look like i give a fuck’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘BILBO R U FLIRTING WITH MY UNCLE’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘I beg your pardon????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘hes smiling at his phone and u 2 r texting!!!!!!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Oh goodness, both texting at the same time? Practically in the throes of passion we are.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘MAHALS BEARD THATS MY UNCLE’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘THATS GROSS DONT SAY THROES OF PASSION ABOUT MY UNCLE’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘I’m not flirting with your uncle! I’m pretty sure he hates me!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘Kili says ur throwing passion at uncle thorin????”  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘We were both texting at the same time. Apparently that’s a scandal.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘woah now bilbo! u wearing protection while texting at the same time????’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘Don’t encourage this.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
′u hobbity trollop ;)’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
′FILI!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘just so you know, kili changed your name in his phone to ‘unclefucker’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
‘HE DID NOT.’

 

* * *

 

 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Hey Bilbo! We’re all going swimming! Come join us!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘There’s a pool here?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘yeah!! Check it out! :D’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
-picture received-  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘THAT IS A FOUNTAIN’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘AND YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME THAT EVERYONE WAS NAKED’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Aw now where’s the fun in that? ;)’

 

* * *

 

 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘if ur considering staying in the elvish hellhole’

 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘now is the time.   
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
we wont hold it against u if u decide not to continue.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: SUPREME ASSHOLE**  
‘I signed a contract, that tends to mean something.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: SUPREME ASSHOLE**  
‘fine’  
  
 **Incoming Text: SUPREME ASSHOLE**  
‘we’re all meeting at dawn by the eastern arch’  
  
 **Incoming Text: SUPREME ASSHOLE**  
‘if u still decide to show up ur death isnt on me’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: SUPREME ASSHOLE**  
‘Wow.’  
  


* * *

  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘Right when I think I am getting to a slightly tolerated/maybe friendly place with Thorin, he makes sure to remind me…’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘He is SUCH an asshole.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Aw now don’t let it get you down.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘He’s just a bit…gruff is all.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘Gruff is such a nice word for it.’  
  


* * *

  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
-picture sent-  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Heading into the Misty Mountains! Missing Rivendell already. Probably won’t have signal in that rocky mess.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘BILBO WHY DIDN’T YOU STAY IN RIVENDELL’

 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Not you too!!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Look the signal’s already dying. And it’s probably for the best that I don’t trip and go falling off a precipice because I was texting in the mountains.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘I’ll talk to you later.’  
  


* * *

  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘??????????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘is this about thorin bein a jerk earlier??? hey mate don’t do anything nuts. lets talk about this alright? D:’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Bofur**  
‘Who am I kidding Bofur??? He’s right! I want to punch him right in the nose but he’s right!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Woah Bilbo hold on! Wait wait at least come talk to me first before you go flyin off!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Bilbo where are you????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Fuckin’ goblins, lost track of everything in that mess. We got out mostly all intact where did we lose you???’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Bofur**  
‘Buddy come on!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘how gross was that king?????’  
 **  
Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘hey, we’re in a clearing right outside the exit, where’d you get off to?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
‘shit’  
  


* * *

  
**MISSED CALL: Bofur**

* * *

**MISSED CALL: Thing1**

* * *

**MISSED CALL: Thing2**

* * *

**MISSED CALL: MEDDLING CODGER**

* * *

**MISSED CALL: ASSHOLE**

* * *

  
  
**Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘were r u’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘u better have gone back to rivendell’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘no bofur said you fell into the tunnels’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘u better have found a way back to rivendell’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘and not be dead’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘ur not dead right?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘how did u even manage to get separated everyone else managed to stick together!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘burglar?’

 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘do not be dead’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘r u getting my texts?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘ur elvish phone probably doesnt have signal down there’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘u mock my old phone but it works underground’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
’bc dwarves think of things like that’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘so we wouldnt have this problem’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘what is the point of a fancy elf trash phone if u dont check it’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘do not be dead’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘look ur not completely useless’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘just sendt a text to say ur still alive and on ur way to rivendell’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘and then we never have to talk again’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘do NOT be dead’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘u should have stayed with ur writing and books and if u got killed bc i dragged u out here’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘check ur phone’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘IM NOT DEAD NO THANKS TO YOU LOT WHERE ARE YOU ALL???’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘YOU ALMOST GOT ME KILLED MAKING MY PHONE BLOW UP LIKE THAT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? I ALMOST GOT EATEN BY SOME LITTLE CREEP BECAUSE MY PHONE KEPT GOING OFF!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘what do u mean where r we’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘how did u get out of there??’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘more importantly y didnt u go back to rivendell??’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘why did u come back?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Look you don’t like me. I know it. You know it. It’s pretty well known.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘i never said that’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘You really didn’t have to say it. It’s pretty obvious.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘And yeah I miss home and I miss the comforts and my computer and my books and armchair.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘And central heating. Wow do I miss the central heating.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘But I have a home to miss, and a home to go back to and belong to.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘And you don’t. And I think you all deserve that.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘So I want to stick with this and help you get your home back in whatever way I can.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘oh’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘i’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘Thank you.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘No problem. Now where the hell are you all? I ripped my favorite sweatervest up and I’m bruised and I really want to just sit and not walk anymore.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘we lost the bikes.’  
 **  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘so there will be a lot of walking’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘What!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: ASSHOLE**  
‘stay where u r. ill come get you and tell u about it’  
  
Incoming Text: ASSHOLE  
‘sorry about your shirt’  
  
————-

 **Outgoing Text: Thing1, Thing2  
** ‘Alright then which of you little bastards changed my ringtone to “la bamba”?’

 **Outgoing Text: Thing1, Thing2**  
'You have until Thorin gets me to come clean or I set him on you both. Let me tell you nothing helps stealth and NOT GETTING EATEN like the dulcet tones of 'la bamba’ suddenly blaring out.’

 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
'bilbro!! ur alive!!’

 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
'what do  you mean ull set thorin on us. since when do you get along’

 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
'We don’t. I think. But you know he’s always just looking for a new excuse to tell you two off.’

 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
'it was filis idea’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
'Bilbo we are so so happy you’re alive’

 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
'And we had nothing to do with your ringtone dont send Thorin at us we’ve been so worried about you’

 **Outgoing Text: Thing1**  
'Kili already fessed up.’

 **Incoming Text: Thing1**  
'Damnit!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Latest update: Misty Mountains have giants, go figure. Nearly fell, then did fall into a goblin cave, got lost, fell again, had to riddle out of getting eaten, climbed a tree, almost caught on fire, stabbed an orc, got shot at a little. Then this.’

 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
-picture sent-  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Hope YOUR day is going well.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘ARE THOSE GIANT EAGLES’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘BILBO WHAT THE FUCK’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Drogo**  
‘Shit shit gotta go Thorins waking up thank goodness’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Thorin????’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Drogo**  
‘Bilbo seriously this sounds like it’s going beyond fun camping adventures with dwarves!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
-Picture sent-  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘u two look adorable!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Delete that picture!!!’  
  
 **Incoming text: Thing2**  
‘no :)’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Kili! I’m serious!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘so am i! i havent seen uncle thorin smile like that in a long time! u two are super cute!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘I saved his life of course he’s going to be smiling!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thing2**  
‘im sending this to ur friend’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thing2**  
‘Wait.’  
  
 **Outgoing Test: Thing2**  
‘What’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘OOHHHHHHHHHH MY GOODNESS’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘GO BILBO’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘LOOK AT THAT BLUSH! <3’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘WHEN DID KILI GET YOUR NUMBER!?’  
 **  
Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Goodness you were right about the asshole being hot, i am jealous of that HAIR’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘You better kiss him Bilbo.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘I’m not seeing this.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Do it for all of us.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Hold on what’s this Drogo’s telling me about you getting shot at!?!?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Prim**  
‘Don’t worry about it I’m fine’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘What do you mean don’t worry about it!?’  
  
 **MISSED CALL: Prim**  
  
 **Incoming Text: Prim**  
‘Answer the phone you ass!’  
  


* * *

  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘Thank you.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘You can’t just walk to the other side of the camp to talk to me? Why are you texting me.’

 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘Seriously. I can see you. You’re maybe 20 feet away.’

 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘But you’re welcome, again. You really don’t need to keep thanking me. I’m sure anyone would have done the same.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘no they wouldnt’  
 **  
Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘If you say so.’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘That was a neat trick with Orcrist by the way. How did you know the elf blades could deflect bullets?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘Oh.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘i didnt’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘…What!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘y r u looking at me like that’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘You went into a gun fight’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘With a SWORD!?’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: Thorin**  
‘That you DIDNT KNOW could deflect bullets!?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: Thorin**  
‘i didnt have a gun’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘what was i supposed to do’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: IDIOT**  
‘NOT GO INTO THE GUN FIGHT WITH A SWORD’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘i dont understand y this is a big deal’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: IDIOT**  
‘Of course you don’t!’  
  
 **Outgoing Text: IDIOT**  
‘This is ridiculous! I’m not having this conversation over text!’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘everyones alive its fine’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘bilbo?’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘where r u going’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘r u seriously mad at me what is ur problem i didnt die’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘and gandalf was able to wake me back up and get the bullet out’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘bilbo’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘bilbo i can hear ur phone going off’  
 **  
Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘i know its on’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘im not going to apologize for going after the orc who killed my grandfather’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘stop ignoring me’  
 **  
Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘check ur phone’  
 **  
Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘burglar’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘ur being childish. i thought hobbits had better manners.’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘bilbo’  
  
 **Incoming Text: IDIOT**  
‘FINE ILL COME TALK’


End file.
